I made it through another week. Thank God for that. This week has been made bearable by my section commander... He was unusually nice. Strict, no doubt, but at least he took the time to explain things properly. We had basic navigation exercises this week. Walked till my feet were rubbed raw. Thank God my team didn't have to repeat the second exercise even though we didn't do very well... We could only find one checkpoint and only after 4 hours. I'm convinced that the MGR (Map Grid Reference) and the description of the location they gave us was wrong. My Garang Platoon Commander said he'll look into it. There'll be a third exercise on Monday. This will be the actual test... I pray that I won't screw up and I pray for decent team mates.

Been rather listless these few weeks. Training is always at the back of my mind. Even when I'm sleeping at home, I wake up every few hours to check whether its time to fall in. I had to force myself to sleep longer today. Thats why I managed to have the luxury of 9 hours of sleep.

From 14 June 2004
A storm. You are about to walk into a storm. A storm which will challenge the way you think, the way you speak and the way you behave. You will be challenged spiritually, mentally, morally & physically. You have to ground yourself in the word. Let God drop an anchor in the bedrock of your heart. So you will not waver. You need to prepare yourself so that you become consistent.

There will be times when you are down and you will hear God speaking to you and comforting you. But there will be times when you won't hear anything. It doesn't mean He's not there. This is when you just have to cling to Him. this storm, this fire is a purifying process so that when you get out of it, He will be able to use you.

How long more Lord?

Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
| Psalm 73:24-25 |

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
| John 14:25 |

You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And the things that you have heard from me among many witnesses, commit these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.
You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier.
| 2 Timothy 2:1-5 |

Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.
Yes, and if I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice with me.
| Philippians 2:14-18 |

Thank You Jesus...

Its a whole different ball game. The amount of anxiety they place on you to get you to do your job properly is insane. I've said before that I believe that fear is a poor form of motivation. Now I'm actually convinced... Yes, there should be discipline and standards to be met. But I believe that we would be able to carry out our task with quality if only they a tad more patient. But of course, I'm not in charge and there's a reason why they are. There's so many things that I've learnt that I can't even recall what they are. From navigation to signals to safety regulations. Everythings taught at a blinding pace. And physically strenuous activities every other day don't make things better.

This coming week will be a step higher in terms of the instructor's expectations. And I always have to be prepared for the role of Learner Platoon Sergeant (LPS) or Learner Sergeant Major (LSM). You never know when it'll be your turn. This week has been bearable but I feel physically drained... Fatigue is one of the key factors in this course.

But Christmas is here... Thats all that matters for now. Happy Birthday Jesus. Thank You for being with me. Your presence is undeniable and Your guidance unmistakable. But Lord, the future looks bleak and uncertain. I don't think I can make it with my own strength or determination. But I know that You give the strength and You provide the means to complete this phase of life. Despite issues that I choose to distract myself with, I pray to be soaked in your presence so that I will know Your will more each day. That there will come a day where I will no longer question the direction that I'm travelling in and have enough faith to throw myself completely into your arms and let you carry me. Lord, carry me through... Amen

Back home after a week of SISPEC training. It will definitely not be easy. But I will pull through with God by my side. I will do well! I know I can because He never leaves not forsakes me. He guides me at every step of training. He causes favour from my instructors to be shown to me. Although I didn't have time to read the bible this week, I thank God that He has been showing Himself to me in ways that I can understand.

We had thanksgiving night tonight in church. Rushed down to church after booking out. Really enjoyed myself there with the rest of XS. Its like being with your family again. The thanksgiving was really touching. I'm glad that I made a difference in their lives. Although I feel that I could have done more as a leader, I thank God that they have grown. I was also voted as 'Prom King'... All because I overdressed. Hahaha!

Probably going for paintball later with some of the church people. But I have to rush down to beach road to buy army stuff immediately after that. Have to buy a lot of things. I'm already broke for this month!!!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
And so I feel as if I'm left behind.
But I know better than that.
Cos I know, now is not the time
To be playing around with that.
Its not something lost, rather
a lesson has been learnt
A obstacle crossed, a step further
I could have lost my way, but I didn't
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

::: Quote of the Day :::
When my body cries out, 'Enough!'
My Spirit shouts, 'NEVER!'
| Seen at Alpha Coy Line |

::: Lyrics of the Day :::
You are the God of the broken
The friend of the weak
You wash the feet of the weary
Embrace the ones in need
I want to be like You, Jesus
To have this heart in me
You are the God of the humble
You are the humble King
| Vineyard Music - Humble King |

I've been taking a break from blogging. Haven't had much energy to type the last two weeks. Had my Passing Out Parade (POP), had quite a good youth camp, excellent megapraise night and got posted to School of Infantry Specialists (SISPEC). Thats how fast the week has seemed to me. How I wish I didn't have to go back to NS. How I wish that every day could be spent developing relationships with others. How I wish every day could be spent doing the things I desire and trying to achieve the things I want. Every part of me dreads the physical & mental strain which I will be facing. But there's something that God wants me to learn. Something I have to develop during this time. I've already seen the benefits that BMT has provided me with. I expect that SISPEC will be a step up. My responsibility is to do my best. Where God carries me with that is up to Him. I've already worried more than what is necessary.

XScapade Elpizo has been a trying time as well. It was fun, yes, but tiring as well... I'm glad that I got a chance to serve even though I wasn't placed in any leadership role. I think I had a chance to help out in many areas of the camp. From logistics, fatigue work (Sai Kang), prayer, worship, ministry time. I'm pleasantly surprised to find myself in these roles. Its weird to be enjoying these areas of service. I mean, just 2 weeks ago, I was complaining about having to clean up the parade square in Tekong. But I would have swept the entire church willingly if it was required. It all depends on who you WANT to serve.

Glad to see the youth accepting Christ and committing their lives to Him. Good to see God working through the camp. I'm reminded again that its not how well the camp is organised or run which brings results. But on whether we're willing to let God take control of the camp. I think the ministry times were the most rewarding for me. Allowing God to speak through me and at the same time letting Him speak to me. One area I think I could improve when praying for others could be the way I phrase the words. Sometimes the words I get from God are a little bit 'fuzzy'. And I speak it out fuzzy as well. Maybe I just need practice.

God spoke to me today during worship.
Assurance, Empowerment, Repositioning, Adjustments.

::: Song of the Day :::
I felt for sure last night
At once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
No, stop it...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now, I'm ready
Holding on tight
Dont give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now, I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now, I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...
| jimmy eat world - 23 |

Its my last book in to Pulau Tekong for now... As usual, I'm not looking forward to it, but I promised God that I will be joyful. So I should.

My POP is next saturday. What lies beyond I do not know.
What I do know is that I will not worry or be anxious.
I will cling close to You & walk the path that is laid before me.
You are telling me this... Its been repeated over & over again.
So I know you're preparing me. I know I just have to trust You.

Today was spent doing drills & practicing for the CO evening. There was SOC in the late evening for those who didn't complete it yesterday. Thank God I managed to clear it. Got quite a good timing too. 9 minutes 35 seconds. Really thank God that I mangaged to clear it because SOC isn't just about speed or endurance. You might be the fittest guy on the planet but once you screw up on any of the obstacles, it could mean failure. Praise God that I cleared my 'weak' obstacles, the low wall and the low rope. The lighter webbing that we wore also helped.

So today I was part of the team of pacers that were to run alongside the participating recruits & encourage them. Minus the obstacles... I was running with my buddy who was doing well till the swing trainer (similar to monkey bars). HE simply couldn't clear that obstacle. Although he completed the rest of the course, it was no use because if you fail one, you fail all.

Really had fun at the OC evening yesterday. Each platoon performed, imitated, sang, danced, joked and even did physical training for the entire company. It was so much more entertaining than I expected. I also got a chance to play the guitar & sing 'girl on friendster'. I was quite nervous so throughout the song, I was looking at the floor with occasional glances up. However, I got quite an amazing response from the company. It was my first standing ovation ever!! Even the officers & instructors were cheering! I also played 'the reason' by Hoobastank while some of the platoon sang.
Arnon awed the company with his techno music & yoyo tricks. Turns out he was some semi-professional yoyo-er. We did well enough to earn 2nd place... Hopefully I'll be able to get a copy of the video recording or at least the photos!

Just found out recently that my platoon mates have got a rather good impression of me. They were saying that it was possible for me to get into OCS. It came as a shock that people noticed my effort. I pray that the officers see this as well...

The cycle always repeats itself. I don't like booking in. But I know I'll feel better once I'm in. The only difference today is that my family isn't around. So even with the music on, I feel kinda lonely. But thank God that I'm never truly alone.

Who will I turn to in times like this? When you want someone special to pour your heart out to. Someone you don't have to feel shy with. Someone whom you can appear weak with and not be ashamed about it. No one can be strong all the time. No one can stay 'above it all' at every moment.
One of these days... There will be someone who sees through this flawed outer shell & be surprised. Someone will see the effort it took to get here as well as find qualities where I see none. But for now, I look to God as my guiding star to get me to where I need to be.

Dear Lord... Thank you for your faithfulness. I am convinced that I could not have made it without you. Not without your presence beside me at every moment, running beside me, training with me, comforting me, carrying me. Not without your touch that either speeds up recovery or heals instantly. Not without your words of encouragement that soothes me to sleep at night.
Lord. Hold me and calm my restlessness. Amen...

After SOC this morning, there's been nothing much happening. Been having admin time since lunch. Doing a bit of reading, a bit of sleeping & lots of thinking. Especially about where I'm going after POP.
*Just got back our platoon photo. I paid nine bucks for it and they spelt my name as 'Daril'. I'm not happy at all... Some of the guys don't even have their name in it. Some memoir.*

Looking ahead, I see lots of difficult times... With training that is going to be much worse than BMT. But then I ask myself, thousands of others have gone into command schools & have done well. This is assuming that I'm even selected for command school. Its already a disappointment that I might not be able to make it for OCS. Maybe I shouldn't feel so bad since most of the diploma batches go to SISPEC. Should I even bother giving my best now that I've missed the 'big prize'?

Reasons why I won't get into OCS:
1)SIT. test... I wasn't fantastic.
2)Its tough physically. Sometimes I feel like dying after things like SOC or 2.4 km run.
3)Do I really wanna go through the difficulty of command school for the rest of my NS?
4)Hearing my section mates complain about every single thing in BMT. I've been blocking it out for 2 months but it feels like its getting to me.
5)Why bother giving all your effort when just a bit is enough to pass?
6)Uncertainty... Even if I do get a Gold for IPPT & do well for SOC (under 10 minutes). It won't guarantee me a place in OCS?

I've been brooding over this long enough... My responsibilty is to do my best with a joyful heart. Where I go, He will lead. Whether or not its OCS, SISPEC or missing command school entirely.

Medical Center
Waiting here for my turn to see the medical officer (MO). Its been a while since I was last here. I'm not that bad. I decided to come because I need the rest. Especially for my legs. Soccer on saturday left me with aching muscles & a stretched hamsteing... I should recover in a couple of days... Just in time for my 16 km route march. The rest of the company are having foot drills now. Today will be quite a tiring day for them. Weights & Circuits later, BCCT after lunch & an Enduring Training (ET) Run in the evening. I'm glad for this time to rest. Didn't get as much as I should have during the long break. There's also more things to thing & pray about. For youth camp & also the changes in the XS cell ministry.

From what I've heard youth camp registration has been quite slow. I think there are about 50 people and not enough new friends. One issue I have with XS activities... Are they appealing to people my age? I'm classified as a young adult already. I'm sure there are some of my friends who would enjoy themselves despite the age differences. But what about those who can't because of different interests? I look at the new batch of XS youth & I recognise them as the little toddlers who used to be running around, pretending to be power rangers or some other equivelent cartoon character. Of course it can be said that I used to be like that & thats how the older members of Charis saw me too.

I remember the days where Ruth & I would joing the MYFers in the old conference room while our parents were having choir practice. I remember sensing the patience of the MYFers wear out as they had enough playing with me. Its not their fault. I was quite troublesome as a young child. But it wasn't just MYF. I dare say that at a young age, I had an awareness of spiritual things. Not an understanding, I was too young for that, but an awareness. I was hungry for the things of God... But there was a lack of encouragement from the adults?

I remember an incident where there was a book sale in the old social hall. And there was this 'pray for the nations' bookk that caught my interest. I was telling my dad that I wanted to get it and the book seller, a church member, remarked to my dad in front of me, "Are you sure he can understand? Why not get him the children's version? Got more pictures & simpler words."
That made me indignant and I think that it was one of the things that made me start questioning the faith and started the first falling away. It was still because of my own bad decisions but this was one of the 'push' factors. My point is, I don't want to water down any of the youth now but help them to grasp hold of & understand the things of God. But back to the point. Why is there a gap between XS & the young adults? Should there be something catered specifically for young adults? Army guys? Or are we just catering for certain kinds of youth?

*Paragraph Removed*

I'm now in the sick bay having a rest. Of all the problems I had, they admitted me in for sores eyes. I just took my lunch, my cough & flu medicine. Getting drowsy already. I'm probably going to do a little reading when I wake up.
*dozed off at 12.45pm*

::: Song of the Day :::
I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that I hate more than anything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works

When I go down, I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, only if I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where Peace can search me out and find
That I'm ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find the end of this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slipped through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do it makes me light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again
| relient k - when I go down |

I'm so satisfied with my long weekend. It couldn't have been better. Spent catching up with friends and family. Did a bit of shopping, a little exercise of swimming & soccer and a lot of eating. I think I spent almost $200 during these 5 days. T-shirts, taxi fares, good food...

Played soccer with Gerald's JC friends on saturday night. Its been awhile since I've played soccer. Feel out of touch. I dare say I'm a lot fitter than before though. But its not saying anything much when everyone you're playing with is super fit as well... Most of Gerald's friends were fresh out of BMT and there were quite a lot of Officer Cadet Trainees (OCT). So most of them could run around non-stop. Managed to score a beautiful long distance goal. I hit the ball with my outstep, it hit the crossbar and bounced in.

Had GG meeting in church after service today... There are going to be changes in the XS cell structure. Its been a long time coming. I think it will be good if everyone accepts it willingly. But I have a feeling that there will be some who won't warm up to the idea. But if this is the way God tells the leaders that we should go, shouldn't we submit to their leadership? The only problem I feel is that I won't have the time to lead a cell. Especially not if I go to command school. I don't know... Will I have to give up one responsibility to fulfill another?

I miss Spunky...

We just had a movie marathon of anger management, catwoman and gothika... Only the last movie was one that I hadn't watched before and it was quite entertaining. Quite gripping! But anyway... I'm enjoying myself! Although I haven't had enough rest, it feels good to be able to sit back and not worry about what time I have to wake up or how long I have left to fall in. The rest that I need now is both mental and physical.

The last 3 days were quite enjoyable although booking out was the only thing on my mind. I got silver for my IPPT again. Improved my Standing Broad Jump to 4 points but still need to work on my chin ups. Managed to get 9 minutes and 57 seconds for my 2.4km. A good thing considering that I running when I was ill. Had to also resist the temptation to fall out from the run after seeing other recruits walking to the sides of the track after 2 or 3 rounds.

The highlight of the week was definitely throwing the grenade... There's something about throwing that little piece of equipment containing enough power to take life that made me feel sick and powerful at the same time. I hope and pray that I never ever have to use one of those.

Its all over... No more outfield for the rest of BMT! I don't mind going outfield actually. Its just that going out less than one week after I field camp is really strenuous. SIT was really a challenge... Marching around on the reclaimed land in the hot sun for hours. I really can't imagine going through it again. Its the only thing I passionately dread about NS. I don't know whether my performance was good enough to earn me a recommendation to get into OCS(become an officer). At least I can be proud that I really gave my best. (cheesy but true!)

Now the only hurdles left are IPPT and SOC. These shouldn't be much of a problem. I got silver for my trial IPPT test. I thought I wouldn't be able to hit silver because of my 2.4km run. But it turns out I almost hit the gold standard timing of 9 minutes and 45 seconds. I was 4 seconds off... Its surprised me because it is the first time I've run under 11 minutes. Really pushed myself for it though. All the while during the run I was panting, 'God, help me.. God, help me!' And I managed to press on and keep running.

Guard duty last week wasn't too bad. I got to worship and pray for 2 hours at a time. While having a beautiful scenery to praise God for. It was really quite relaxing to be in the presence of God. Prayed for my family as well as the cell... I can see why they say BMT is an experience you'll never forget. How to forget when every activity is filled with situations that stir almost every emotion?

Booking out again on wednesday... Could really use the long break to rest and catch up with friends again. Soccer match next Saturday!!! I don't know if its me or anything, but I feel that church has lost its warmth. Don't get me wrong, the people are fine but I feel a little bit distant from them. Hopefully it'll get better in time.

I'm back again after another long 2 weeks in camp... In a word, field camp was wet. It rained every single day and every single night. Not a drizzle mind you... This was stormy weather kind of rain. It was strenuous but one heck of an experience. Thank God for His protection.

I was looking forward to a weekend of rest but unfortunately I'll have to book back in tomorrow night for guard duty. I got 'volunteered' for it because my rifle got stolen on the fifth night by one of the sergeants while I was asleep. I'm irritated with myself because I had put in effort to take care of my rifle for the previous 4 nights. I usually wind the sling a few times around my arm and then rest half my body over the rifle. I guess my hand must have slipped from the sling. Bleah...

So anyway, the worst thing is that I won't be able to go church this sunday. Its like being confined another week! But its a punishment that I feel that I deserve. Next week will be a short weekend too. Booking out only on Saturday afternoon or evening because of my situational test. That means I'm going outfield AGAIN! Outfield wouldn't be half as bad if it wasn't for the darn abrasions on my feet caused by wearing someone elses boots. Yup... We were allowed to take off our boots on one of the nights where we were sleeping in shelter and the next morning some one else took my size 8's. I'm still wearing the size 8's but the cutting of the boots is different. Probably wear my spare boots and buy another pair when I have enough credits. (Credits are given every month to NSF personnal to buy controlled army stuff like uniforms or equipment)

I almost forgot about range last week. I believe I have the ability to aim and shoot and I would have gotten a higher score than my 17/32 if my glasses didn't fog up during the night shooting. But excuses aside, I'm relieved that I didn't have to go for a re-shoot. Its amazing how much time we wasted just sitting at the range waiting for the various details (A detail is just another name for a group of men doing a particular activity) to go through the shoots.

My experience in the army has taught me the practical aspects of the goodness of God. Rather than learning from reading and from testimonies from others, I have learnt to depend on God for myself. One of the guys in my section mentioned that religion is for those that are weak... Those who can't depend on themselves. I agree totally with that statement. Except my relationship with God is no religion. Its not about rules. I am weak, no question about that. Its Him that makes me strong.

There's a sweet feeling when you're home... When you're with the people you love and care about. You know you're where you belong. Thats how I felt when I went back to church today. I had a wonderful time worshipping God today. Almost forgot what it was like to worship unreservedly, lifting my hands and my voice to God. Joseph chose a lot of love songs to God today and it really spoke of the way I feel about God after these 3 weeks. God's been so good to me that I can barely think about it without my eyes watering. Training has been tough but I feel like I'm inside a glove where nothing can harm me. Where difficult things are made bearable and the mundane made fun. This is God's promise to me and its almost unbelievable how its happening.

3 more hours before I book in... I can't wait to get it over with. This week will be a tough one with 3 days of range before I head out for field camp, which will stretch over the next weekend. Only 7 weeks left! As one of the platoon commanders in my company always says... "CAN BE DONE?!?!"
YES SIR!!!

::: Song of the Day :::
I heard a voice through the discord
Of a deluge of passersby
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by
And I swear I’ll know your face in the crowd
And I’ll hear your voice so loud
When you’re whispering

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another

Here’s my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?
And oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
And oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
To be stronger
Hey unloving
I will love you
I will love you
I will love you

And Jesus, I’m ready to come home
Jesus, I’m ready to come home
I'm ready to come home
Hey unfaithful
Hey ungraceful
Hey unloving
I will love you
| underoath - some will seek forgiveness, others escape |

Book Out!!!
It feels so good to be out... To be with the people I love and care about. After 2 and a half weeks of physical and mental strain, it feels good to be able to relax again. However, the feeling on the ferry back to Singapore filled me with mixed emotions. I was glad to be able to come home, but I felt slightly anxious about returning to Tekong on Sunday. It would be another 2 weeks of tough, if not tougher, training. I know I'll be fine though.

Some scribblings I made during the free time I had...

3 October 2004, Sunday
Today has been quite relaxing. 5 days here and I've learnt so much. I've also learnt that fear is a poor motivator... It eats at your being and make you unable to function. Its almost comical to see the sergeants yelling in the faces of blubbering recruits.... ALMOST, if it wasn't so painfully pathetic. Trying my best to leave the fear behind is essential. I guess me being able to understand the sergeants helps alot. Unfortunately there are still some who just don't get it. And the whole platoon suffers. I don't mind though. I take it as an excuse to get free personal training.

There are a few who may be good at one thing but crap at another. For example, there's this guy who can do dozens of chin ups for fun. But he can't march well. Or another guy who can run 2.4 very quickly but cannot swim or shoot... I believe I'm one of the few who belong to the category which you might call, 'blessedly average'. Doing just well enough to stay out of trouble but still requiring effort to be good at certain things.

Like I said... So many things learnt in the past few days that I can't even remember what I did yesterday. The encouragements from friends and family have been timely and helpful. Especially yesterday when I wasn't feeling well. Thank God I managed to get through. I can do all things through him.


6 October 2004, Wednesday
I'm in the lecture room again. Another national education talk. They're trying to brain wash us!! Hahaha... They keep repeating how good, prepared and technologically advanced our SAF is. Which is true in a way. The SAF is good but I don't think we would last if there was any real enemy. Our army is like concertina wire barriers. They're there to hinder and not to stop. Whatever the case, I'll just do my best and obey God. It hasn't been easy though. Every morning I wake up and my mind tries to find some excuse to skip training. But my spirit doesn't allow me too.... How can I even if I wanted to? He is my protection and also my medicine when I'm sick. So there's no reason why I should be entitled to that kind of rest. The training has been mostly bearable and even enjoyable in some cases. My Platoon Commander (PC) was saying that the standard to be considered for OCS is at least a silver but I'm still quite a long way from that. I'll just keep training.


7 October 2004, Thursday
Just finished my IMT range (simulated shooting range). It was quite fun. Had to use an eye patch to aim properly. Right now we're just learning the techniques of shooting. I don't want to be a marksman. Aiming is uncomfortable for me because my left eye is open behind the eye patch.


8 October 2004, Friday
We're relaxing in the canteen after visiting the e-mart. The mood is generally relaxed today except for a new sergeant (future platoon sergeant). Super strict, super vulgar, almost hateful. But I think it'll be good for the platoon to have some discipline. Some aren't putting in effort. We were pushed this morning. 3km run followed by conditioning (push ups, 1.5min squats, superman lifts). Had a chin up training regime just now too... Still stuck at 5 the first time, but I did 2 more sets of 3 as well as one more set of 6 assisted chin ups. Thank God I just got half gloves so its gonna help a lot in preventing more blisters.

Signed up for life insurance by Aviva. I think it'll be a good investment. The speaker was trying to instill fear into us by implying that those who didn't sign up or those who didn't 'believe' were more likely to get into accidents. Had to pray and make sure that the reason for signing up was not because of fear.

I'm leaving now...

When God speaks there is always change.
I was afraid...
'What if I don't succeed?'
'What if I screw up on the first day?'

But this isn't about me... This is about You. Remind me constantly, dear Lord.

::: Lyric of the Day :::
If you can use anything, Lord, you can use me
Take my hands, Lord, and my feet,
Touch my heart, speak through me.
If you can use anything, Lord, you can use me!
| Ron Kenoly - Use Me |

Its here... The eve of my enlistment. 3 weeks of confinement coming up. This will be the longest time I've not blogged since I started journaling. I'll try to remember my experiences and update when I get out. Thats if I have the time or energy to... Come to think of it, this will be the longest time I'll be away from home. It will be a good experience I guess. I thank God for the countless friends who have encouraged me and prayed for me. It just feels so good that God sends these people to look out for me. Even people I'm not close to, like Edwin from Paya Lebar Methodist Church and Jon from Church Of Our Saviour, prayed for me when I met them. I can't help but feel that there is a work for me to do. Maybe you can write it off as something every Christian NSman should be doing, but I feel that its a responsibility not to be taken lightly. Something is relying on this.

You will spark something off.
Lynette gave me a word from God today and it just shook me. Not that I don't want to do it. Its just that the weight of responsibility seemed too much to take. It felt like there were so many things that I needed to do by myself. But then God reminded me of Moses' responsibility and how He guided Him as well. Right up to the point where He told Moses specifically what to do and say. God showed Moses that he could trust Him and then the rest was told on a need to know basis. Similar to what I'm going through now. I have the BIG picture and God will reveal the next steps gradually. I'm apprehensive about whats coming up. But praise God!!! He goes before me to prepare the way for me. He's walks beside me to guide me. And glory will be given to Him in places that I've been.

Dear Lord, thank You for preparing me for army. Thank you that in You, I can be spiritually strong, mentally sound and physically fit. You are my light, my sword, my shield, my fortress. Lord I thank You that I will not be tempted beyond what I can bear. I will not fall away from You but I will shine for You. For you will make my righteousness shine like the dawn. I will not be ashamed of the gospel but be a testimony for You. I will wear the cross around my neck with pride and responsibility. In Jesus' Name, AMEN!

Your Type is INFP
Introverted 33%
Intuitive 33%
Feeling 33%
Perceiving 67%
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INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.


INFP children often exhibit this in a 'Calvin and Hobbes' fashion, switching from reality to fantasy and back again. With few exceptions, it is the NF child who readily develops imaginary playmates (as with Anne of Green Gables's "bookcase girlfriend"--her own reflection) and whose stuffed animals come to life like the Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse:

"...Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand..." (the Skin Horse)
INFPs have the ability to see good in almost anyone or anything. Even for the most unlovable the INFP is wont to have pity.

Their extreme depth of feeling is often hidden, even from themselves, until circumstances evoke an impassioned response. Of course, not all of life is rosy, and INFPs are not exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations common to humanity. As INTPs tend to have a sense of failed competence, INFPs struggle with the issue of their own ethical perfection, e.g., perfo rmance of duty for the greater cause. An INFP friend describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but on a grand scale, Good vs. Evil. Luke Skywalker in Star Wars depicts this conflict in his struggle between the two sides of "The Force." Although the dark side must be reckoned with, the INFP believes that good ultimately triumphs.

Some INFPs have a gift for taking technical information and putting it into layman's terms. Brendan Kehoe's Zen and the Art of the Internet is one example of this "de-jargoning" talent in action.

Functional Analysis
INFPs live primarily in a rich inner world of introverted Feeling. Being inward-turning, the natural attraction is away from world and toward essence and ideal. This introversion of dominant Feeling, receiving its data from extraverted intuition, must be the source of the quixotic nature of these usually gentle beings. Feeling is caught in the approach- avoidance bind between concern both for people and for All Creatures Great and Small, and a psycho-magnetic repulsion from the same. The "object," be it homo sapiens or a mere representation of an organism, is valued only to the degree that the object contains some measure of the inner Essence or greater Good. Doing a good deed, for example, may provide intrinsic satisfaction which is only secondary to the greater good of striking a blow against Man's Inhumanity to Mankind.

Extraverted intuition faces outward, greeting the world on behalf of Feeling. What the observer usually sees is creativity with implied good will. Intuition spawns this type's philosophical bent and strengthens pattern perception. It combines as auxiliary with introverted Feeling and gives rise to unusual skill in both character development and fluency with language--a sound basis for the development of literary facility. If INTPs aspire to word mechanics, INFPs would be verbal artists.

Sensing is introverted and often invisible. This stealth function in the third position gives INFPs a natural inclination toward absent- mindedness and other-worldliness, however, Feeling's strong people awareness provides a balancing, mitigating effect. This introverted Sensing is somewhat categorical, a subdued version of SJ sensing. In the third position, however, it is easily overridden by the stronger functions.

The INFP may turn to inferior extraverted Thinking for help in focusing on externals and for closure. INFPs can even masquerade in their ESTJ business suit, but not without expending considerable energy. The inferior, problematic nature of Extraverted Thinking is its lack of context and proportion. Single impersonal facts may loom large or attain higher priority than more salient principles which are all but overlooked.